Críostóir Brian Ó Súilleabháin (redscarfboy) wrote,
Críostóir Brian Ó Súilleabháin

"been up at nights to paint the house ghost white..."

Recently, in a journal entry my sister wrote for her website, she linked to my live journal instead of my website.  I guess her reasoning is that I update my live journal more often than I update my website.  In fact, it’s been about two and a half months since I’ve updated my website –which is probably a record since it’s been up.  There are various reasons why I haven’t updated first I was having too much fun with my girlfriend and didn’t want to take any time away from that.  I was actually living my life –just about none of it online.  But I think the bigger reason why I haven’t updated is because I don’t like showing the down-side of myself to a larger and often anonymous audience.  If you read entries from a year or a year and a half ago, they tended to be kind of funny or at least lighthearted.  In all honesty, I’ve been pretty down since I moved back to the States and my natural reaction is to either internalize it, or when it gets really bad, only share it with people I know and won’t think of me as a “whiner” if I talk about things like missing my girlfriend, not finding a job or losing an apartment at the very last second.  I don’t know.  I consider myself friendly, smiley, fun-loving and all, so I don’t want the outside world to consider me whiney and depressive.

But things are hard here in New York.  I knew the real world would be a bitch, but I just didn’t think it’d be this bad.  I can’t count how many jobs I’ve applied to (probably close to fifty), but the zero responses don’t really pose any mathematical problems.  I spent 6 hours at a brokerage last Thursday, another five working things out on Friday; we got money orders ready and we were about to get the keys to a HUGE apartment when an unbelievably irresponsible 27 year-old asshole/first-year undergraduate photography student known as Todd Archibald from Portland, Oregon decided to screw me and a third roommate over because he found out he could get a much more expensive dorm room come January.  This story is much longer and more ridiculous than I’m making it out to be, but the entire situation has made me so angry and hateful that I loathe going into the details.  But the fact is: I’ve been here three weeks and I haven’t accomplished anything yet.  I’m still sleeping on my sister’s floor, I’m running out of money, and I don’t really have any desire to keep this up.  I just can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel.  No matter what I do this year, it doesn’t bring me any closer to what I want to do career-wise, nor does it bring me any closer to Antje.  It’s hard to see a reason to keep doing what I’m doing, yet there really isn’t any other option but to plough ahead.  The thing is: I just don’t want to.

Everything is just really getting me down.  There’s so much I really need to do that I’m not doing.  I wanted to write thank-you notes to people who came to my going-away party, and I’m scared now that it’s too late.  I never finished the website for the Jutland excursion course...although I have all I need –I just need to put it together.  I really need to write some e-mails –specifically to Kevin Brochet, among others.  (Actually Kevin, -if you have one- send me your phone number with country code and I’ll call you.)  I guess it’s just that I can’t get past not having a home or a job and thus, I’m not letting myself live my life.  I guess I’m in some sort of vicious cycle revolving around not having any motivation.

I wish someone had really made it clear to me that a.) the real world not only sucks, but it really truly sucks (read: no upside AT ALL), and b.) no matter how well you managed in school, how good of a worker you are/could be, or how talented and skilled you are; none of that matters in the real world: you are a nobody –fit only to walk dogs or clean office buildings.

I hate to say this, but I wasn’t cut out for this.  Now don’t misunderstand me: I’m not saying at all that I shouldn’t have to go through this or that I’m “too good” to walk dogs, all I’m saying is that there is no ounce in my being that was made for fighting for a job that won’t help me at all in my career goals.  I know I need money and everything, but everything’s such a major struggle here, and I can’t live happily while living in a pointless struggle.  I just want to hibernate for a while.

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